If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
