I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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