I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize