dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
