in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
