Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
