id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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