I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
a search helicopter?!
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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