I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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