Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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