Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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