i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
