i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I have feelings that need drinking.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
