Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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