I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I need moral support for this bender
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
