you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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