Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
