but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
