I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Randomize
