Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize