I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
