i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
