Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
