My liver just broke up with me...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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