At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
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