why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
