she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
