My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Randomize
