At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
