Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
