Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
