do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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