Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
