WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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