bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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