big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
