Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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