My girlfriend figured out who you are.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
