Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
