The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
where are you?
Hypothermia
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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