Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
