I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
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