I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
