yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
