This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Those nachos came to me in a dream
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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