Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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