Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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