she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
