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Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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