I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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