It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
