if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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