I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
