I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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