I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize