ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
