you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
