I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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