Girls should come with a carfax report
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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